Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

Highlights

Milder or quieter externalizers can look like internalizers because they’re so nonconfrontational, but they can be identified by their belief that others should change.

In true externalizing fashion, he saw her as controlling his happiness and unhappiness and felt that he wasn’t free to do what he wanted without her permission.

These clients all had the same situation: a predatory, indulged sibling—whether older or younger—made life miserable for them as children while their parents did nothing to intervene. If the sibling was bored or upset, he or she took it out on the client. Their parents often saw the externalizing siblings as special in some way and let them get away with all kinds of bad behavior. In some cases, this even took the form of sexual abuse, which my clients either didn’t report because they thought their parents wouldn’t believe them or did report, only to have their parents defend the abusive sibling.

In a family with an externalizing sibling, the parents’ attitude is often to silence any complaints of unfairness by the internalizer, telling the child to try to get along or to understand the sibling’s problem.

The message to internalizers is that they should put their needs on a back burner and instead focus on what the externalizer needs.

That said, people who seek therapy or enjoy reading about self-help are far more likely to have an internalizing style of coping. They are always trying to figure out what they can do to change their lives for the better.

Ultimately, externalizing and internalizing are just two sides of being human. Everyone can show more or less of either style depending on circumstances and where they fall on the continuum

On the other hand, internalizers can slip into externalizing when they get overly stressed or lonely.

Maybe this helps explain many midlife crises, wherein previously responsible people seem to reverse some of their values in surprising ways. They seem to suddenly reject obligations and responsibilities as they seek a more personally rewarding life.

maybe it’s a result of years of self-denial, followed by the internalizer’s realization that other people’s needs have come first way too many times.

Well Fuck me

your results indicate that you’re primarily an

If your results indicate that you’re primarily an internalizer, you may feel exhausted from trying to do too much of the emotional work in your relationships

For instance, you can see that internalizers could develop self-defeating tendencies toward inaction, not speaking up, and avoiding asking for help.

Under the right conditions, each style might be useful; ultimately, problems tend to arise when people get stuck at the extreme of either coping style.

If a child’s true self isn’t accepted, the child will also adopt a role-self as a way of having a valuable part to play in the family.

Children have different ways of reacting to emotionally immature parenting, but they all develop subconscious healing fantasies about how things could get better.

how hopes for a close connection can lead people to do too much for others, to the point of neglecting themselves.

They react to life as if they were an emotional tuning fork, picking up and resonating with vibrations from other people and the world around them.

Internalizers don’t act out their emotions immediately, like externalizers do, so their feelings have a chance to intensify as they’re held inside. And because they feel things deeply, it isn’t surprising that internalizers are often seen as overly sensitive or too emotional.

Emotionally immature parents may yell at or punish externalizers for their behavior, whereas they’re more likely to dismiss or reject internalizers’ feelings with shaming, contempt, or derision

Because they’re so attuned to feelings, internalizers are extremely sensitive to the quality of emotional intimacy in their relationships.

This isn’t a social urge, like wanting people to chat with; it’s a powerful hunger to connect heart to heart with a like-minded person who can understand them. They find nothing more exhilarating than clicking with someone who gets them.

When internalizing children have self-involved parents, they often think that being helpful and hiding their needs will win their parents’ love.

Although she came from a conventional, religious family that emphasized family closeness and loyalty, she didn’t feel a connection with them. She couldn’t figure out how to interact with her parents and siblings in such a way that she could have a relationship with them and still be herself.

To compensate for this lack of connection, Logan often tried to make people smile and feel good. She felt she would be valued only for what she could do for others, not for who she was.

Certain vagus nerve pathways in mammals have evolved to allow stress hormones and heart rate to be reduced by comforting in such forms as physical closeness, touch, soothing sounds, and even eye contact. These calming effects conserve valuable energy and also create pleasurable social bonds that promote strong groups.

Instinctively turning to others for comfort when stressed makes people stronger and more adaptive.

Internalizers instinctively know that there’s strength in being interdependent, as all mammals evolved to be. Only emotionally phobic, emotionally immature people believe that wanting empathy and understanding is a sign of weakness.

Many of my clients have warm memories of a neighbor, relative, or teacher who made a huge difference in helping them feel valued and attended to.

Internalizers may even feel emotionally nurtured as they resonate with the beauty of nature or art.

Internalizers may even feel emotionally nurtured as they resonate with the beauty of nature or art. Spirituality can also provide this emotional nurturance, as internalizers experience and relate to a greater presence that accompanies them no matter what.

They often use their behavior to coerce certain responses from other people, but because they achieve these responses through manipulation, the attention they receive is never as satisfying as a free and genuine exchange of emotional intimacy. Externalizers

Most emotionally immature people tend to be externalizers who don’t know how to calm themselves through genuine emotional engagement.

When they feel insecure, instead of seeking comfort from other people they tend to feel threatened and launch into fight, flight, or freeze behaviors.

Externalizers who get very upset may look like they have a strong drive toward emotional engagement, but their approach is more like panicking than connecting. It takes a lot to calm them, and even then they still seem vaguely mistrustful and dissatisfied because they aren’t open to connecting fully. Trying to calm an upset externalizer is an unsatisfying experience for both people, as the person providing comfort has no sense of truly helping.

If a person’s only way of coping is to fight, flee, or freeze up when things become stressful, imagine how hard it would be for that person to endure a lengthy survival challenge.

and memories of loved ones as sources of inspiration and determination to survive.

They often downplay their suffering as being over “silly things” or “stupid stuff.”

They may say “I’m sorry” when they start crying in a therapist’s office, as though they should be able to talk about their emotional pain without showing it. Some even bring their own tissues because they don’t want to use up the therapist’s.

Internalizers are always caught off guard when someone shows genuine interest in how they feel.

Being internalizers, they’re embarrassed to ask for help and instead try to solve problems on their own.

Internalizers often appear to need less attention and nurturance than externalizers because they rely on their inner resources. Being internalizers, they’re embarrassed to ask for help and instead try to solve problems on their own.

As they grow up, emotionally neglected internalizers continue to feel they should do everything on their own, and they are often quite adept at this.

One man was so accustomed to helping other people that he was stunned when his sister expressed her gratitude for everything he’d done over the years.

Because internalizers routinely take on so much responsibility for others, they’re deeply grateful for even the smallest bit of recognition.

Emotional immaturity in parents guarantees that their children will experience significant emotional neglect.

They’ll grow up suffering from emotional loneliness, but won’t know what’s wrong.

People often have no idea that they’ve experienced emotional neglect until the first time they read about it.

But upon deeper examination, they often have memories that reveal that they didn’t feel properly watched over as children.

Often, they simply knew that they needed to be vigilant, watching out for and taking care of themselves.

Again, the self-sufficiency of internalizing children tends to create the impression that they have no needs.

Situations that might make another child panic send internalizers into an intensely focused state while they figure out how to take care of things.

Children who had to become tough and handle things on their own may develop a rejecting attitude toward their own feelings. Perhaps they learned to keep distance from painful feelings they knew their emotionally immature parent couldn’t help them with.

Unfortunately, children who become so independent may not learn how to ask for help later in life when it’s readily available.

This may take the form of being overly responsible, such as caring for younger siblings when parents are swamped with a crisis, or it could mean paying attention to everyone’s feelings to see who’s upset and needs to be calmed down.

Instead of trying to understand their child’s social predicament, they toss out useless or flippant advice. Ultimately, children learn that these parents simply won’t do any emotional work to help them with their hurt feelings.

Why do internalizers so often end up in lopsided relationships where they do more than their fair share of the emotional work? One reason is that needy externalizers tend to pursue warm and giving internalizers.

For example, sensitive parents teach their children to notice and identify their fatigue, instead of making them feel anxious and lazy for needing to rest.

Unfortunately, emotionally immature parents are so self-focused that they don’t notice when their children are getting overwhelmed or trying too hard.

long. This awakening stage often starts with a sense of failure or loss of control. Painful symptoms like depression, anxiety, chronic tension, or not sleeping can all be signals that old strategies to rewrite reality have become unsustainable

This awakening stage often starts with a sense of failure or loss of control. Painful symptoms like depression, anxiety, chronic tension, or not sleeping can all be signals that old strategies to rewrite reality have become unsustainable. These psychological and physical symptoms are a warning system, telling us that we need to get back in sync with who we are and how we really feel.

When we’re in accord with our true selves, we see things clearly and feel that we’re in a state of flow. We become focused on solutions instead of problems. Things seem much more possible as we pay attention to our genuine needs and desires. Opportunities and people come into our lives that help us in ways we never imagined. We actually become “luckier.”

He saw psychological symptoms as coming from a freshly activated urge to grow and coined the term “positive disintegration” to describe times when people break down inside in order to reorganize into more emotionally complex beings.

Instead of shutting down or getting defensive when faced with difficult experiences, people with developmental potential try to discover a deeper understanding about themselves and reality. To this end, they’re willing to engage in self-reflection, even if this entails painful self-doubt. Although the uncertainty inherent in this process of self-examination can create the by-products of anxiety, guilt, or depression, tackling these deep questions ultimately yields a stronger, more adaptive personality. Aileen’s Story My client Aileen found support and validation in Dabrowski’s ideas. An insightful woman, she had benefited greatly from psychotherapy over the years. Her love of learning made her want to understand herself and other people, but her family saw that kind of psychological interest as a sign of maladjustment. When Aileen sought therapy after a very destructive love affair, her family thought she was being ridiculous and labeled her “the sick one.” Rather than seeing that Aileen

Learning about Dabrowski’s idea of positive disintegration helped Aileen see her distress as growing pains. And once she knew about Dabrowski’s growth theory, she felt proud of herself for being the only person in her family willing to explore her distress

But when the true self has had enough of the role-playing, people often get a wake-up call in the form of unexpected emotional symptoms.

Story Virginia’s wake-up call came in the form of sudden onset of panic attacks

Virginia’s Story Virginia’s wake-up call came in the form of sudden onset of panic attacks that occurred when she felt criticized by her tyrannical and judgmental older brother, Brian. Virginia had always worried constantly about what people thought of her, so much so that social events were exhausting triathlons

Seems very familiar

as she realized that she could choose whether she wanted contact with Brian or not.

At first, Tilde would only say how guilty she felt for not being able to make her mother feel better and what a bad daughter she was for enjoying her life while Kajsa suffered.

Tilde finally let herself feel it. She looked stunned as she identified the feeling: “I don’t like her,” she said in a whisper.

Finally allowing herself to know that she didn’t like her mother, even though she was grateful to her, released her from an impossible bind. She realized that she could still have contact with her mother, but that she didn’t have to pretend to feel the “right” way.

We often project issues about our parents onto our partners;

We often project issues about our parents onto our partners; then we may become even more angry with them because, at an unconscious level, they remind us of the past, in addition to whatever is happening in the present.

His life had been entirely about being a success in the eyes of other people, especially his wife and his mother. Now, in therapy, he was working hard to identify values more in keeping with his true self. In the process, he was beginning to appreciate himself for who he was, including his unique strengths and talents.

As Mike reflected on his past, he said, “I didn’t make decisions based on how I felt; I made decisions based on what other people wanted.

I’ve been beaten up, torn down, and humiliated, and now I’m about to be laid off, but I’m telling you, I’m

Maybe I was hoping things would crumble. I’ve been beaten up, torn down, and humiliated, and now I’m about to be laid off, but I’m telling you, I’m happy.” In spite of his material losses and

Realizing how desperate he had been to be accepted by others, Mike said, “I didn’t think I was as good as other people.” Then he looked at me, smiled, and asked, “So how to define a successful person?”

However, as an adult, Aaron began to see that his code of not speaking up for himself often resulted in other people being put ahead of him. In addition, others often took advantage of his talents without reciprocating

Panic, anger, and depression are just a few symptoms that may signal an emotional awakening to better self-care and healthier values. When people process their childhood issues and wake up to their strengths, they gain the confidence to start living from their true self.

A common fantasy among children of emotionally immature parents is that their parents will have a change of heart and finally love them by showing concern.

I told Annie that the only way Betty was going to come around was if Annie stopped talking about her misbehavior and how hurtful it was. Annie needed to find a way forward that didn’t involve her mother’s participation. That’s the only thing that works with parents who are terrified of emotional intimacy.

“You’d think she’d hate to do that to her own child after she suffered so much.” It was a good point, but Betty was just passing her trauma down the line, as people tend to do when they repress

She’d never asked herself whether Betty was the type of person she enjoyed being around.

The first step in gaining your emotional freedom is to assess whether either of your parents was emotionally immature.

The only achievable goal is to act from your own true nature, not the role-self that pleases your parent. You can’t win your parent over, but you can save yourself.

Becoming Observational When interacting with emotionally immature people, you’ll feel more centered if you operate from a calm, thinking perspective, rather than emotional

Next, your job is to stay detached emotionally and observe how others behave, just like a scientist would. Pretend you’re conducting an anthropological field study. What words would you use to describe others’ facial expressions? What is their body language communicating? Does their voice sound calm or tense? Do they appear rigid or receptive? How do they respond when you try to relate? What do you find yourself feeling? Can you spot any of the emotionally immature behaviors described in chapters

If you determine that the other person is showing emotional immaturity as described in chapters 2 and 3, there are three ways to relate to the person without getting yourself upset: Expressing and then letting go Focusing on the outcome, not the relationship Managing, not engaging

Others may or may not respond how you want them to, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that you expressed your true thoughts and feelings in a calm, clear way. That goal is achievable and within your control.

Even a bit of observation will help lift you out of the pressure to feel others’ distress. It’s their distress, not yours.

There’s nothing right or wrong about thoughts. You aren’t being disrespectful by being truthful with yourself about your parents’ emotional limitations. To be an emotionally mature adult, you must be free to observe and assess others in the privacy of your own mind. It isn’t disloyal to have your own opinion.

There’s no reason to feel guilt. They’re trying to push their feelings on me. I haven’t done anything wrong. I have a right to

Try reminding yourself that your parent is attempting a diversion, and that it’s just like dealing with an upset toddler: the unpleasantness will be over sooner if you stay calm and focused on your desired outcome instead of getting

Concern: I worry so much about my parents. They’re always unhappy about something. I just want to make them feel better.

And now that she doesn’t feel obligated to put on the role-self of the dutiful daughter, Rochelle actually feels free to be more relaxed around her mom.

The ultimate goal in any interaction with a parent or an emotionally immature person is to keep a grip on your own mind and feelings.

With parents, keeping your mind on your specific desired outcome for the interaction will help you retain an objective, observing stance no matter how they behave.

If you allow yourself to slip back into those old childhood hopes, your parents’ increased openness is likely to evaporate instantly because you’ll no longer feel safe to them. Remember, your parents are probably emotionally phobic and unable to handle genuine intimacy.

In the end, the overall dynamic remains the same. Your parents will be emotionally available to you in inverse proportion to how much you feel the need for them. Only if you operate from your adult, objective mind will you feel safe to your parents. It’s unfortunate, but the reality is, they are simply too terrified to handle your inner child’s emotional needs.

But the only way the true self can do that is if you stay in an objective, watchful state that’s grounded in your

Often this voice says things like “You should…,” “You’d better…,” or “You have to…,” but it may just as frequently make unkind comments about your worth, intelligence, or moral character. Although this commentary sounds like your own voice, it’s really an echo of your early caretakers

Everyone internalizes their parents’ voices; it’s how we’re socialized. And while some people end up with a supportive, friendly, problem-solving inner commentary, many hear only angry, critical, or contemptuous voices.

Internalized

Perfectionism